Girls and FriendsM
I don't know how it keeps happening... i always get hit when it'll count the most it seems like. Blow a shit load of money weekend on a girl, get left drifting all alone by the same the next when she's out partying. Real special girl. I must say i've been pretty lucky when it comes to girls i've gone out with. Two i could marry, one i'd never think of. Girls have always given me troubles tho. They mean too much to me. I give them too much signifigance and power in what they do. I should have more guy friends. thats been kinda tough though since the last few. Two have stayed with me, one good one though, did more than not stick with me... That one still stings from time to time. Well, no, it doesn't sting, but it reminds me of somethigns that can happen.
I suppose all people get burned eventually if they keep putting their necks out, and mostly i'm angry cause a lot of what happens is my fault. I don't like feeling the fool, but only fools stick around those who hurt them. Its getting time to run away. Moving on is what most people would do, but i don't think i can. I linger and hold back, think about it. I have to get a running start to be too far gone to come back. Its the same thinking that i got back when i was younger. I was at this river with people i'd spent several weeks with and they were al jumping into the river off this cliff, twenty feet er so up. I didn't want to do it, but finally i managed to get myself just walking till i hit the edge... and then i just thought about it on the way down. its taht first start i need to get going away from things that i struggle so hard for.
I had to start a new blog tonight... giving an address to my old friends and pals ment i had to think about what i'd say, how they'd react, and all that... i want to write, even if no ones reading, but more so i want to write and not have to worry who will read it. The imfamous three in my life. A dream, a wife, and a lesson... those are the three girls. One too good to be true, another better in many ways and someone i could very well marry, and a third who i've been just given hell by. Thats the one who's off partying with some guy right now. Never should have bothered with her. I knew that a month in, and yet its been nearly two years... the same two years have been incredibly lonely... I haven't made a single friend in three years... Its not that i'm messed up or anything, but i'm not sure i've wanted any and i'm not entirely sure what friends are any more.
I wish i made more mistakes, acted more stupid, and didn't think as much. i wish that i could have a little stretch of time where things really went my way. Where people really went my way. It happened a little bit two summers before the last when i was in tahoe, i met people, had fun, was greated places i went. It was great. I wish i could trust people, trust that they like me, trust that they want me around, trust that they mean anything they say. This last girl tho... has not at all helped with anything. She is a complete liar, in all the subtle innocent ways that only girls can find to truely drive a man mad.
Sometimes i wonder if its even possible to have an edge over a girl. They always hold all the cards, and i never seem to hear a girl really being taken by a guy. The most troubles i seem to hear about are how they have to choose what they want to do about a guy. They never seem to be left gasping with no choices, no options, nothing they can do. Gah, i love them to death, but i just don't know about them....
hmm... for the sake of discussion, lets call the first girl Angel, the second Minx, and the third... i can't think of a name for her.
Angel: Beautiful, she always made my knees go week, and i'll never stop caring for her. I loved everything about her, even the things i hate. she made my life whole. I had to wait for 17 years to find her, and if it took that long to find another as wonderful, it'd be well worth waiting for. She has an amazing zest for life, and seems to be so free in someways and yet... she's sad... shes someone else underneath the smiles and laughs, and so wonderful. helen of troy, everyone falls for her. it ended, and nothing's been alright since. i should have gone there, talked to her, seen her, anything... we talk from time to time, things got better... then they got worse, and now i haven't heard fromher in weeks... i miss her
Minx: Sexy girl, smart, strong, kind, and is going to be so sucessful. She's always pumped, and she never lets anything get to her. She's prolly the strongest person i know, and she works hard, has fun, and will go a long way in her life. She knows how to have fun, knows how to work, knows how to live and knows how to bake! She's great. I descibed her once as "a wife", everything you'd want in someone to marry. I can talk to her for hours and hours and she seems to understand. A better person that i'd ever hope to be. i never got my act together enough... still messed up from Angel... always going to be likely. I loved Minx in my own way tho, but i don't think i can tell anyone the word "love"... so we split, but still talk and get together from time to time.
The other: She's cute... she lies, she can be pretty great from time to time, but its not just unusual, its rare. she's a liar, and she'll never be honest. manipulator, bore, kill joy. Right now i'm really down on her. She's alright for someone whos alone all the time, but never going to be someone i want. too long i've been with her, and she values nothing. i have to stop things with her.
I suppose all people get burned eventually if they keep putting their necks out, and mostly i'm angry cause a lot of what happens is my fault. I don't like feeling the fool, but only fools stick around those who hurt them. Its getting time to run away. Moving on is what most people would do, but i don't think i can. I linger and hold back, think about it. I have to get a running start to be too far gone to come back. Its the same thinking that i got back when i was younger. I was at this river with people i'd spent several weeks with and they were al jumping into the river off this cliff, twenty feet er so up. I didn't want to do it, but finally i managed to get myself just walking till i hit the edge... and then i just thought about it on the way down. its taht first start i need to get going away from things that i struggle so hard for.
I had to start a new blog tonight... giving an address to my old friends and pals ment i had to think about what i'd say, how they'd react, and all that... i want to write, even if no ones reading, but more so i want to write and not have to worry who will read it. The imfamous three in my life. A dream, a wife, and a lesson... those are the three girls. One too good to be true, another better in many ways and someone i could very well marry, and a third who i've been just given hell by. Thats the one who's off partying with some guy right now. Never should have bothered with her. I knew that a month in, and yet its been nearly two years... the same two years have been incredibly lonely... I haven't made a single friend in three years... Its not that i'm messed up or anything, but i'm not sure i've wanted any and i'm not entirely sure what friends are any more.
I wish i made more mistakes, acted more stupid, and didn't think as much. i wish that i could have a little stretch of time where things really went my way. Where people really went my way. It happened a little bit two summers before the last when i was in tahoe, i met people, had fun, was greated places i went. It was great. I wish i could trust people, trust that they like me, trust that they want me around, trust that they mean anything they say. This last girl tho... has not at all helped with anything. She is a complete liar, in all the subtle innocent ways that only girls can find to truely drive a man mad.
Sometimes i wonder if its even possible to have an edge over a girl. They always hold all the cards, and i never seem to hear a girl really being taken by a guy. The most troubles i seem to hear about are how they have to choose what they want to do about a guy. They never seem to be left gasping with no choices, no options, nothing they can do. Gah, i love them to death, but i just don't know about them....
hmm... for the sake of discussion, lets call the first girl Angel, the second Minx, and the third... i can't think of a name for her.
Angel: Beautiful, she always made my knees go week, and i'll never stop caring for her. I loved everything about her, even the things i hate. she made my life whole. I had to wait for 17 years to find her, and if it took that long to find another as wonderful, it'd be well worth waiting for. She has an amazing zest for life, and seems to be so free in someways and yet... she's sad... shes someone else underneath the smiles and laughs, and so wonderful. helen of troy, everyone falls for her. it ended, and nothing's been alright since. i should have gone there, talked to her, seen her, anything... we talk from time to time, things got better... then they got worse, and now i haven't heard fromher in weeks... i miss her
Minx: Sexy girl, smart, strong, kind, and is going to be so sucessful. She's always pumped, and she never lets anything get to her. She's prolly the strongest person i know, and she works hard, has fun, and will go a long way in her life. She knows how to have fun, knows how to work, knows how to live and knows how to bake! She's great. I descibed her once as "a wife", everything you'd want in someone to marry. I can talk to her for hours and hours and she seems to understand. A better person that i'd ever hope to be. i never got my act together enough... still messed up from Angel... always going to be likely. I loved Minx in my own way tho, but i don't think i can tell anyone the word "love"... so we split, but still talk and get together from time to time.
The other: She's cute... she lies, she can be pretty great from time to time, but its not just unusual, its rare. she's a liar, and she'll never be honest. manipulator, bore, kill joy. Right now i'm really down on her. She's alright for someone whos alone all the time, but never going to be someone i want. too long i've been with her, and she values nothing. i have to stop things with her.
posted by The Lost at 10:31 PM
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