knives

when i was in 9th grade, a freshman in highschool was teh first time i think. i tried carving a pie symbol once, and i just got board and made a strait line ont eh back of my hand, nothing big or weird or signifigant, i never even really thought of it till later. Angel cut herself... and two or three years later, i tried it. two cuts on my arm, they faded with time. Later it was four cuts though, deep. It takes a lot to cut through skin. The second time I used my seraded blade. It still took a lot, and it still faded... when i drink alone i always think about it. A dull knife... better that way, molre control. funny how you want to be in control when cutting through your own skin... i'm not suicidle or anything, never that i don't think. i think the only time that would happen is an impulse... walkign alone the street, jumping in front of a car randomly... random... shit... well, another time the knife, old, classic, signifigant... Tonight? i don't know yet. thinking about it. I don't know why though. Whats the point? no one knows that i've ever done it. Marla knows of two, Angel one, and Minx one, but no one else. No one. Not even a shrink i was seeing at the time. I jst started wearing longsleeve shirts and sweatshirts. It took a long time for it to heal, but it did, at least the scabs. Minx saw if after... wasn't meant to. shouldn't have.. angel i told, but she didn't care really, and marla, she saw, she caused all, in a way, at least she was the one at the time. didn't see the thrid tho, hasn't noticed or something. bitch anyhow.
Damnit... i hate saying that, but it is true. she's not a good girlfriend. and yet for some fucked up reason i've gone back to her... why? doesn't make any sense...

i have to say, i'm really pissed at her right now... i keep looking on AIM, she's not seemingly come back from being out with whoever she went with. some birthday party.... she never invites me to something social... i shouldn't have bothered inviting her last weekedn. not worth wasting the money on... i hate feeling left out... shit... i want to have fun too.... but no, she only gives me the boring times, when there's ntohing else, then i fill in the empty. fuck that... thats not right, someone who cares, would invite you to the fun things too, not to just whatever is boring. fuck that

fuck her.. FUCK! Shit... i wouldn't even be drinking and getting smashed and thiking about cutting if it weren't for her tonight, and other thing contributing int hte past to be fully truthfull... shit.... i've got to take my contacts out...

tomarrow i should jsut tell her to fuck off, to leave me a lone, to stop fucking with my life, to stop telling me lies and maniputlating me and taking advantage of me. Tell her to just stop treating me like shit... but i wont, cause i can't say things like that to a girl... i don't even know if i could to a guy... not being able to do things like that make me feel like shit... i wish i could just take a stand and keep to it, and when i wanted to say fuck you to a person i would know its right. perhapes its a lack of self confidence, a lack of knowing tha twhen i say "fuck you" i mean it and that i really will stick with it. I've never been able to hold a grudge against someone, even against that one guy who really stabbed me in the back...
i seem to remember more things aobut just how bad he turned on me every now and then, but its like i can't really beleive it, cause i'm always surprised. it was bad, but i can't hold it gainst him.. angel and him... and both of them knew it would kill me.... it wasn't right... but i can't hold it against him... it i were him, i know i couldn't have resisted her. she's too amazing to let her go past. whatst weird though is that i guess she was the one who got dumped. i hear only little about it, but i think she got the can from him, cause he was interested in anotehr girl.... i feel sad cause she got hurt, but at the same time, i wish she'd been hurt more for having done that to me... i hurt a lot, and not at all in some ways. i just don't know... i wish i knew more of what i thought...

i wish i could have her back... just a little bit. know that she was alright...