What to do, what to do.
I keep seeming to have this same problem over and over. I just can't ever decide what to do. There are things i want to go after, but the problem arises in that i see a risk in losing all in anything i try, and of course, i'll lose just the same if i do nothing... so whats the anwser? the "safe" route is doing nothing, cause then there's no responsiblity of failure, even if doing nothing means the same outcome. The jump first, ask questions later mentality gets me through some of it, but not enough... not nearly enough, and not what i really want to try for. Angel for instance. Our relationship has been so rocky and unpredictable that i'm not sure what to make of anything she says and i'm really not sure how to respond to her... its like anything i could say could ruin everything. lol the last time i didn't even say anything and she got pretty pissed at me. I deffinatly felt like i was taking crazy pills.
of late i've been thinking a lot, or at least remembering more than i used to about how things were between us and how great it really was. how great she was even. A lot of the warm memories i have of her i'd kinda bundled away and not thought about, cause those would make me sad. I remembered great and wonderful things about her, but i kinda glazed over the more personal things... Like how she felt, and smelled and hugged and kissed.. how she sounded, her smile and laugh, the way we fit together so great. Lots of things. They are coming out in fits and spurts, but more and more i really want to see her. I've wanted to see her everyday since i saw her last nearly 3.5 years ago.... Long time... I'm just really afraid that if i went and saw her that she'd find me unatractive. I tried to get in better shape for quite a while thinking i might see her sometime in the near future, but i really hit a wall when she got so pissed at me. I'm only about 170 right now, but i'd really like to be more like 160 or 155 and put more muscle on first. Gah, more muscle. i'm not excatly a wimp, but not sailing and not lifting hasn't really helped my definition at all lol. I'm eating good though, very good really... I need to excercise too though, thats the only thing that'll get the work done.
of late i've been thinking a lot, or at least remembering more than i used to about how things were between us and how great it really was. how great she was even. A lot of the warm memories i have of her i'd kinda bundled away and not thought about, cause those would make me sad. I remembered great and wonderful things about her, but i kinda glazed over the more personal things... Like how she felt, and smelled and hugged and kissed.. how she sounded, her smile and laugh, the way we fit together so great. Lots of things. They are coming out in fits and spurts, but more and more i really want to see her. I've wanted to see her everyday since i saw her last nearly 3.5 years ago.... Long time... I'm just really afraid that if i went and saw her that she'd find me unatractive. I tried to get in better shape for quite a while thinking i might see her sometime in the near future, but i really hit a wall when she got so pissed at me. I'm only about 170 right now, but i'd really like to be more like 160 or 155 and put more muscle on first. Gah, more muscle. i'm not excatly a wimp, but not sailing and not lifting hasn't really helped my definition at all lol. I'm eating good though, very good really... I need to excercise too though, thats the only thing that'll get the work done.
posted by The Lost at 9:48 PM
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