First time into the breach
E gahds, i've been dumped again... Not again however is my attempt to change what is happening. For the first time, i'm really trying to change it. Marla (curse me for naming her so) decided it wasn't going well enough that i was worth putting effort into, and she called it off. Two days later thou, maybe three, I called back, and i decided that i didn't want it to end, and she was worth the effort for me. So i'm trying. I want it to work. I want her to remember me for making her happy and for good things, not the life numbing and serious talking that has been such a part of our relationship of late. I want it to end well. Always i want things to end well. Even if it means hurting more later, i'll feel better going down fighting than just sitting aside. I hate myself for letting Angel go, and never having done a thing about it except complain and whine about losing her and being lonely. Fuck that. I'm happy that this time i'm going to really try, i'm not just going to pout or self pity, i'm going to adapt, i'm going to try, i'm going to work, and fight, and fight dirty. *grin* All is fair in love and war, no?
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Here's an interesting one i've been thinking of today. If i don't trust anyone, but if they do something it hurts me, its not that i'm not trusting them, its that i'm insecure about the strengths of my relationships. To truely not trust someone, i would also have to not care what they do and not be hurt when the trust falls through. Alternatively, to trust someone really, i have to just know that whatever they go do, they still have me in proper context, both in what they are doing, and the future. Sadly, finding a perfect match with someone who agrees on what is both proper and trustworthy is something that can never be quite found. It will either be more or less than my own.
Now the real kicker is the very idea of jealousy, given what it leads to is flawed. If i don't trust someone when the truely do deserve it, i could drive them away and into the things that i was so scared of them doing. So it'd be working against me to not trust someone. Hell, i've known that my whole life, casue it's always pissed me off when i'm blammed for things i didn't do, and i've always thought that if your going to be blammed for something, you may as well be doing it. So mistrust leads to justification of it. Damn the man.
I'm reading Kurt Vonegut's "Cat's Cradle" right now, which somehow is exactly fitting of what i should be reading. Its helping out with the current situation, trying to keep in in correct context. Basically that life is a series of events to be enjoyed, not taken too seriously or inspeced too hard, cause perfection just wont be found, but life can always be interesting. Just live my life as best i can, do what really makes me happy without any thought for consequences, but keep my priorities strait. Such as "don't fondel her boobies just cause they look nice on the first date, rather realize that you also want to have a comfy happy relationship and work towards that end, until fondling her nice boobies becomes part of that relationship". See, thats a good inner monolouge. Course, i'd never do that so early on, but it works even in what i am talking about with Marla. I just wanted too much action and forgot about really trying to make her happy by what i did for her.
So if i can make things up with her, and find away to stick with my budding ideas, maybe there's a chance that i can make a real difference in my life. I know i feel much better than i did last week, just after she dumped me, because now i'm doing something about it, rather than just wallowing in my self glorifying self pittying. "OW WOW is me... ME! ME me... me who is sooooo nice, and tries SOOOoooo hard do do everyhting right. Its just like it to happen to me, cause the world is against me, all things conspire against me.... OOOOooohhh wow is me..." Yeah, real sad, real pathetic, and doing REAL better than that lol. I mean i'm sad and a bit worried that it might not work out, but i'm not upset with myself or feeling like these things happen to me. Its life, and i'm dealing with it. And thats the right way to be.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Here's an interesting one i've been thinking of today. If i don't trust anyone, but if they do something it hurts me, its not that i'm not trusting them, its that i'm insecure about the strengths of my relationships. To truely not trust someone, i would also have to not care what they do and not be hurt when the trust falls through. Alternatively, to trust someone really, i have to just know that whatever they go do, they still have me in proper context, both in what they are doing, and the future. Sadly, finding a perfect match with someone who agrees on what is both proper and trustworthy is something that can never be quite found. It will either be more or less than my own.
Now the real kicker is the very idea of jealousy, given what it leads to is flawed. If i don't trust someone when the truely do deserve it, i could drive them away and into the things that i was so scared of them doing. So it'd be working against me to not trust someone. Hell, i've known that my whole life, casue it's always pissed me off when i'm blammed for things i didn't do, and i've always thought that if your going to be blammed for something, you may as well be doing it. So mistrust leads to justification of it. Damn the man.
I'm reading Kurt Vonegut's "Cat's Cradle" right now, which somehow is exactly fitting of what i should be reading. Its helping out with the current situation, trying to keep in in correct context. Basically that life is a series of events to be enjoyed, not taken too seriously or inspeced too hard, cause perfection just wont be found, but life can always be interesting. Just live my life as best i can, do what really makes me happy without any thought for consequences, but keep my priorities strait. Such as "don't fondel her boobies just cause they look nice on the first date, rather realize that you also want to have a comfy happy relationship and work towards that end, until fondling her nice boobies becomes part of that relationship". See, thats a good inner monolouge. Course, i'd never do that so early on, but it works even in what i am talking about with Marla. I just wanted too much action and forgot about really trying to make her happy by what i did for her.
So if i can make things up with her, and find away to stick with my budding ideas, maybe there's a chance that i can make a real difference in my life. I know i feel much better than i did last week, just after she dumped me, because now i'm doing something about it, rather than just wallowing in my self glorifying self pittying. "OW WOW is me... ME! ME me... me who is sooooo nice, and tries SOOOoooo hard do do everyhting right. Its just like it to happen to me, cause the world is against me, all things conspire against me.... OOOOooohhh wow is me..." Yeah, real sad, real pathetic, and doing REAL better than that lol. I mean i'm sad and a bit worried that it might not work out, but i'm not upset with myself or feeling like these things happen to me. Its life, and i'm dealing with it. And thats the right way to be.
posted by The Lost at 9:34 PM
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