too long

Aye, its been barely a week, and already i'm just falling appart. I dunno what it is. I have barely even talked with my family and rarely see them, but even just that little and its too much... its lonely here too. I never talk to anyone. all my contacts are over the internet, and there's just no value at all to that. In one week, i've drank 4 out of 7 nights, half of which i've been by myself. this jsut isn't a good place for me. But where is? Where does anyone really fit in? I've no home and no purpose... and i can't be content with mediocrity...

i'm not saying i need to be a star or anything, but i just need to have some vital, world changing part in something. how can a person have ideas that are too big for them to approach? If they were too big, shouldn't they be unthinkable? its always fear. afraid to try, afriad to just try and risk failure. I only ever do things i knwo i can suceed in. well, mostly. there has been the one recent thing that even in failing, it was best for me. thats the way i should always live. trying so hard that even failures are a sucess lol. tiss a good method.

everything is so wrong with my life. it feels like everything i do is done for the wrong reasons, or to avoid beign what i am. shadows of truth.



Everytime i sign into this blog thing, i wonder about why i do it. No one has ever left a comment. I've never given out this address. I've never told a soul i know that this even exists. And perhapes, for all intents and purposes, it doesn't to anyone but me. So then, why do i write in something that no one reads, but everyone has access to? I personally hate doing anything for any reason that can be seen as manipulating people. To that end, i never told anyone about this, my real journal of unedited and oftened inconsitant thoughts.

insanity runs in my moms side of the family... If i do things that make sense to me, but no one else gets them, and i can't see why i'm wrong, isn't that what makes a person seem crazy? Why would anyone want to read this trash? ... ahhh..... there's something in that tho. maybe there is a person who would read through all this trash and find meaning in it, and perhapes that would be the person i am writing for. perhapes... perhapes....

A new doctrine

I've seen some movies recently that have made me think more than usual about who and what i am. I saw a movie called something like "The Anarchist's Cookbook", which strongly suggested that some, but not all of my thinking is also along anarchist lines. As well as nihilsm. I've never thought of myself as an extremest, but then, i've also never ever though that i was at all mainstream. I'm somewhere on the fringe, but i'm also seemingly alone. I don't forsee me ever being a follower of a specific dictum. Many beleif systems have been written for specific purposes and to illicit specific reactions. Basically i see a formed system even in the systems that claim they are against it. Anarchy is inherent, else it exists not at all. And i do think it is natural to humans. People rebel against the norm, although they follow it anyhow. They support the little guy, if they feel a common bond with this entity. It seems to me people also need order, they need direction. Man is a hunter society, and they need a leader. There has to be leaders, no matter how they come about. They can choose their leader as someone who started them, a patriarical figure, a poet, an outspoke person, a marter, anyone who they can rally under. Symbols. Clans, brotherhoods, groups, cults, goverments, systems, anything larger than themselves. If people aren't trying to be better than one another, then they want stablity. It seems that every war that is supported by its people is when they are fighting to have power over someone else, or to throw off power over themselves. Other wars where they aren't personally to gain or lose aren't supported. If there is no threat from the other or there isn't something to gain, then it isn't worth it. People rally to overthrow something greater than them, when they feel the tide is with them. There's nothing altruistic about it. People crave conflict. People crave complacency. When and where do people choose between?
The people of germany were in a major depression when hitler came to power promising reforms, fighting against the governement that everyone saw was doing nothing. They chose change over complaceny. California elected a movie star when the governer was seen to be doing nothing except building up debt. People rioted and hated the vietnam war when it was wagged, because life was good in america. A golden age. People rise to change when they are going down, and rise against change when on the up.
But how much going up does it take? I think the up has to be accelerating, always increasing how much up its going. People can become tired of not having an surge, a change every now and then. If its always just a steady climb, how is that really different than things never really changing? Its just the same steady climb, nothing new. The rise must be changing, ebbing at times, but surging forth to give hope of unrealized vistas of hope, of change, of dreams coming true. A dynamic rise, steady to the rise and fall of societies spirits, surging forth when least expected to give fresh and new hope, but never predicatble, but necessarily never falling behind to allow dispare to enter society.

anarchy... socialism... they share the same flaw. The weakness of humans in dispare or compacency. They could both only work if people could remain vigilent trough the lulls and through the hardships. But too easily will they gather behind someone who promisies to guide them to the golden age. Very few people will stand their ground alone against all people to maintain what they think is right. Those few... they might not even be sane. If all people could stand behind iron hard beleifs, forged in the fires of questioning, doubt and reason, in the face of all odds then truely we would have a remarkable society. First people must choose their own beleifs and find that in the end of a logical debate of desires and responsiblities what is important and the best way of achiving those goals, and find that if it is fully played out that there is only one conclusion. One conlcusion that anyone can reach if they fully question all things and all beleifs with absoluted doubt and reason. One conclusion. There can be only one correct solution. If all people could arrive at this on their own, then we could truely have a unified decentralized soceiety where everyone was equal and equally responsible. But what is the final anwser? What is the logical conclusion...? There are some points that strike me as obvious.

-Any deciscion should be made for the benifit of all, and never for the benifit of an individual.
-All people should be accomitadated happiness, else life is meaningless
-All people are equal, though they may not be as capable as others
-The quality of life provided to the least privileged human should never fall below the minimum means necessaryto sustain a healthy life, however it should equal their effort to acheive and maintain their quality of life.
-Life is an absolute human right, the deliberate degradation of another's right to this right should be met with equal response.
-Life begins when awareness of the quality of life becomes self aware.
-The pursuit of absolute truth should be advanced and never impeded, except where it interferes with the right of life and quality of life.
-Progress cannot be inhibbited by personal gain.
-People are permmitted to chose their own quality of life.
-People have ablosute right to privacy where it does not interefere with another person's way of life.
-People can be forgiven, but vigilence can never be lost.
-No person can be above law, and the law must come first, assuming it is just and reasonable to all acceptable beliefs.
-The defence of innocents is absolute.

... more to follow

Saying Goodbye

Tonight i said goodbye to two people who i truely consider to be good friends. Its rare that you can part with someone and know that not having them in your lives, as they have been, will truely be a lose. I'm going to miss them very much.

I've never even said this of my family.... Saying goodbye to them made me both happy and sad. Happy that i got to know them, grateful for all we've shared together, and sad that its time for me to move on. Its what is best though. I'll be forever greatfull for all that they've done for me, and more so for the friendship they gave me. They are two people that i would never want to lose contact with, because i value them so much. I'll look forward to seeing them again, and look forward to hearing from them. Old bossman and i... Yeah, i'd help him out with anything. He's the kind of friend that comes very rarely in life and the difference in age makes it all the more unique.

lol i promised him that if i ever made a million dollars i'd buy him a boat. I mean it too. Money is nothing, and the friendship and comradery i got from him would be worth every penny, no matter how hard earned. I owe him.

lol i just feel happy... thanks....

The nature of the beast

I often can't tell wether i am a good person or an evil person who can act good. I suppose my impact on the world is minimal, so it would be hard to say that i do evil. Most people think i'm a really nice guy. Some even think i'm the nicest they've ever met. Most think i'm unique though. Society and i have never gone hand in hand, we walk different pathes and see the world very differently. So am i evil? i don't know. Sometimes i wonder about how much i respect other people, how much i value them. Why do i value them when i do, and why to i respect them? I suppose for most people it doesn't really matter what the anwsers are, and they are fine going through life without ever considering it, and they will also be good people.

Imagine for a moment what it looks like to me... i doubt very much that i can explain it just how it is, cause it makes sense in a way that people don't see always... If i look at every action i take, and i break it down into its potention reasons for the action being taken, then i'll end up with many possible motivations behind it. Now if i assume that there is no way to knwo which motivation moved me at the time, or for near future incidents, then i have to assume that any negative motivations are possible. Now if i were to decide to live in such a way that i would do everything posssible to never follow a negative motivation and thus do the least evil, then i would have to not allow myself to follow any action that might be inacted through a negative motivation. And given human nature and the chaotic nature of the universe, you can always find some negative motivation for even the best resulting action. Basically, even when doing good, it can be done for the wrong reasons, which one could say makes it wrong. Its like businesses that will pay to temporarily protect some useless part of the environment, so they can cut down a vital one to further their own good. It is a very common practice in buisness to donate, support and otherwise put a good public face when they are activly doing wrongs somewhere else. Sometimes they aren't even doing wrong elsewhere, but just trying to better their image to better the publics view of them, to make better profits and build support.
How can anyone possibly tell if something is being done for good or ill? I've often thought that the best president would be the one who would get no recognition for anything they did, who would never profit or be allowed to have their family profit from his actions. Any government which allows the leader to further their own power for after they leave their post will rarely (all people dream of the great leaders who sneak through the capitalist nets) find their leaders putting the good of teh country first.

That aside, i can't tell wether or not i'm good or evil, but it seems the safest route is to assume all i do is for evil motivations, except for the rare things that i've learned better about myself... and the safest route to not being evil, assuming all i do has evil motivations, is to do nothing at all. I don't like that though. I don't think i'm truely evil, and even the word "evil" is tough to define. Mostly i'm using it here as a way of saying that i'm furthering my own needs over the greater needs of others. That i take advantage, in whatever small ways, of other people to further my own good or desires. I have a lot of desires... perhapes that also makes me evil. To keep wanting more, to want to take it. I'm a morally flexible person i think. Morals are flexible. It is very easy to see that because you can simply look at different cultures around the world today. In this modern world the laws change from place to place, and what is considered wrong in one place is considered common and cute in others. Drinking ages, consentual sex ages, military service, social edicit, everything changes from place to place, even within countries of uniform law. Morals aren't inherent to the human mind, and so they aren't really all that important. I'm strong of convictions though. I beleive in right and wrong, i just don't know where they lie, and i don't adhere to my own beleifs either. I'm a bit of a hypocrite about it. People who've known me long enough would scoff at that and say "a bit?", aye... quite a bit. And i don't admit it much.

Tis time for the short sleep for me.

First time into the breach

E gahds, i've been dumped again... Not again however is my attempt to change what is happening. For the first time, i'm really trying to change it. Marla (curse me for naming her so) decided it wasn't going well enough that i was worth putting effort into, and she called it off. Two days later thou, maybe three, I called back, and i decided that i didn't want it to end, and she was worth the effort for me. So i'm trying. I want it to work. I want her to remember me for making her happy and for good things, not the life numbing and serious talking that has been such a part of our relationship of late. I want it to end well. Always i want things to end well. Even if it means hurting more later, i'll feel better going down fighting than just sitting aside. I hate myself for letting Angel go, and never having done a thing about it except complain and whine about losing her and being lonely. Fuck that. I'm happy that this time i'm going to really try, i'm not just going to pout or self pity, i'm going to adapt, i'm going to try, i'm going to work, and fight, and fight dirty. *grin* All is fair in love and war, no?

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Here's an interesting one i've been thinking of today. If i don't trust anyone, but if they do something it hurts me, its not that i'm not trusting them, its that i'm insecure about the strengths of my relationships. To truely not trust someone, i would also have to not care what they do and not be hurt when the trust falls through. Alternatively, to trust someone really, i have to just know that whatever they go do, they still have me in proper context, both in what they are doing, and the future. Sadly, finding a perfect match with someone who agrees on what is both proper and trustworthy is something that can never be quite found. It will either be more or less than my own.
Now the real kicker is the very idea of jealousy, given what it leads to is flawed. If i don't trust someone when the truely do deserve it, i could drive them away and into the things that i was so scared of them doing. So it'd be working against me to not trust someone. Hell, i've known that my whole life, casue it's always pissed me off when i'm blammed for things i didn't do, and i've always thought that if your going to be blammed for something, you may as well be doing it. So mistrust leads to justification of it. Damn the man.

I'm reading Kurt Vonegut's "Cat's Cradle" right now, which somehow is exactly fitting of what i should be reading. Its helping out with the current situation, trying to keep in in correct context. Basically that life is a series of events to be enjoyed, not taken too seriously or inspeced too hard, cause perfection just wont be found, but life can always be interesting. Just live my life as best i can, do what really makes me happy without any thought for consequences, but keep my priorities strait. Such as "don't fondel her boobies just cause they look nice on the first date, rather realize that you also want to have a comfy happy relationship and work towards that end, until fondling her nice boobies becomes part of that relationship". See, thats a good inner monolouge. Course, i'd never do that so early on, but it works even in what i am talking about with Marla. I just wanted too much action and forgot about really trying to make her happy by what i did for her.

So if i can make things up with her, and find away to stick with my budding ideas, maybe there's a chance that i can make a real difference in my life. I know i feel much better than i did last week, just after she dumped me, because now i'm doing something about it, rather than just wallowing in my self glorifying self pittying. "OW WOW is me... ME! ME me... me who is sooooo nice, and tries SOOOoooo hard do do everyhting right. Its just like it to happen to me, cause the world is against me, all things conspire against me.... OOOOooohhh wow is me..." Yeah, real sad, real pathetic, and doing REAL better than that lol. I mean i'm sad and a bit worried that it might not work out, but i'm not upset with myself or feeling like these things happen to me. Its life, and i'm dealing with it. And thats the right way to be.

Aww fuck...

What are the chances that a girl would ask me out, and within the hour, my girl of two years would break up with me? Slim i'd say... slim. Curiosity called me and asked me out, and then a bit later as i tried to talk to marla, well, i got the boot. or thereabouts i guess. I don't get how girls manage to do that. Just when i think thinks are going pretty well, and there's a strange lull for a bit, and suddenly they have some epifany and, damnit if they don't suddenly up and leave. For all my hating of Marla, what it really comes down to tho is that i really like her, and i hate her to keep from getting drawn in too deep. I'm dealing pretty well with things right now, but its all on top. under... i'm just shaking. She said she'd call tonight to talk about it, but i'm not sure if she will... prolly not. the brakes on my car went out again that day. And i didn't sleep at all teh night before. And this other girl at work came and introduced herself, out of kindness or interest i don't know, but all in the same day. And the big boss at work even asked if after i finished up at college if i'd come back to work more... And i learned part of an irish tune for my fiddle. Oddly enough, if it weren't for the excitement of learning the fiddle, i'd be a hell of a lot worse off right now... And marla was the one who was going to teach me the fiddle. that other girl who i met is also a violin player... the one who introduced herself to me that fateful day. aye, yesterday.

nothing works out quite right... i feel like i have to leave this place i've settled into because its gotten old and awkward and being here without the relationship with marla is just... stressful. I really tried hard to make things work, but i couldn't just let go and really fall for her, because she was never stable and honest enough for me to trust. how can i get over a fear of being hurt if i can't trust the person i'm supposed to get over it with?? damnit... i'm sick of being afraid of trying to love someone. I used to be so good at it, back before angel. i'm still pretty good at it, but i just do it in my safe, selfprotective assholish ways.

There was even a heavy heavy storm last night, wind and rain, and thunder... i was up all night, halfway between the storm and dreams... those were wild too. A powerful day yesterday...

aye... my life's over here... i hate endings. i hate things that will never happen again. Somehow those things slide past overtime, but that razor edge will always cut, and cut very very deep.

i feel sick, just really really sick. there's no way out of this one, and i don't know what even happened. We lost our personal contact... she's been shutting off for weeks, and now she cut it all off, forever. why can't two people just work things out? why do they always have to end? why can't something great just happen and then work to keep it happening? She never tried, she just gave up. Damnit... i want to give up. not the things worth fighting for, but the whole war. So long as i live the battles will continue, there just isn't any peace, and there's no hope for it. Death is always the only end...

My dear, my love, dear god is that an eagle?!!

Life goes, and life trips and i'm always on a mind trip. Dunno where i'm going, don't all like where i've been. But i'll tell you one thing, women, they will always cause havok. ALWAYS. Appartenly i talked to Angel on new years eve, tho i don't quite remember that... Very very odd. I guess its possible i did, but i really thought i'd have remembered that. Just the same she IMed me tonight, a first in a very long time. Earlier today i was even thinking that i'd just never hear from her again, and odd, i found that it didn't bother me all that much cause i just don't get her so much that i'd rather just remember good things that deal with all the insanity that has happened of late. Damn it was good to hear from her again. I miss that silly girl. Too great for me, too great for the world *grin*. She can be like a sparring buddy at times! A great battle of wits, where the only wounds are laughs and grins. She's a good wrestling partner too.

Ahh, but life goes on. I got a fortune cookie tonight that said "Be Prepared for a sudden, needed, and happy change in plans." I really like the sound of that one, it sounds good and needed and happy lol. I can think of many a change i'd like to see, but as to being prepared, i don't know. A happy and sudden change of plans doesn't sound like the thing to be prepared for, but more be ready for. Don't be packed, just keep my eyes open and be ready to pounce. I think i'm really ready for a change. Each week i feel less and less like being here and more and more like being on my way, though i've also found that i'm not nearly as interested in traveling anymore. I've even thought heavily about going back to school instead. I want to do some traveling, i want to see Angel too. I'm going to see Minx this weekend hopefully, although i'm having some car trouble, so it might screw things up a bit. Marla is most often a pain, but i've finally figured out what i do like about her and why its gone on so damned long. its cause she's low matience and basically doesn't matter a whole lot. Its just a comfortable nothing. She really did use to be way more fun too. I don't know whats wrong with her. She's just nothing, and she doesn't care about anything i say or anyway i feel about anything. It just pointless. Entirely and one hundred percent pointless. LOL. Awww.... damnit, i was all excited after talking with Angel and now Marla has brought me right back down to her inane level. Arg. Damnit.

What do you even say to someone like that? All lies and deceit, and i beleive in it. I just want to think that she could actually start being a nice and fun person again. I try to just let it happen, but it seems like she's just so stubbornly set on not ever getting out of her rut that there's just no point. I guess i'm kinda hard of her a lot, but i'm just tired of being lied to. If someone says something, or promises something, shouldn't they follow through? The only thing that sets life appart from tv, books, dreams and everything is that it is real, it is honest, so if you take that away, then are you really living at all?

GRRR Its just dissapointment after dissapointment.